nothing to fear
I've spent a year not writing--at least not where you could see. I guess a better way to say it is:
I've spent a year writing in the shadows.
All summer, I've wrestled with how to open up this space again. I so badly didn't want to pop back in with a, "Hey! I've been busing living life. So sorry I haven't blogged!" As if you noticed I'd been silent. As if you'd missed my words.
The fear of how to say hello again left me a little gunshy. Timid. Paralyzed. Fear kept my words hidden in files and documents for a year, and fear threatened to keep them there. I'm so over that. I couldn't figure out how to say it in a cool way, so I'll just say it like I feel it.
I got scared, so I said nothing.
I was scared of how to say I'd been scared.
I kept saying nothing.
But I have a lot to say.
I’ve sat in multiple circles of girls this summer and heard them say over and over,
“I want to ________, but I’m scared.”
“I feel like God’s asking me to _________, but I’m afraid.”
“I want to _________ for Jesus, but I fear ___________.”
My response is always the same, always ready. What God wants to be, He gets. You don’t have to be afraid of being ill equipped or unqualified or of screwing anything up. God has done MUCH that means you don’t have to be scared. If you’re trusting in Jesus, His name is ON you. You don’t have to be afraid. There is nothing to fear.
I want my people to live like that. I want students to believe it. I want my friends to trust that those words are true. But as I gave that response recently, I got so convicted. I thought of the words God’s been nudging me to say, this space, and the way I’ve been pushing it all aside, hiding for fear of what someone may say or think or of how few people would read it or notice it at all, and I knew:
I wasn’t living it or believing it or trusting it to be true.
God is stirring things in me and in the hearts of my friends and it's beautiful and profound and, yeah – scary – but I know He isn't just revealing Himself to us for us. I’m supposed to share it here. He’s teaching us how to carry the Gospel in specific, only-God-could-think-of-it ways and this space is a part of that. Plus, we know about fun places in Houston, how to throw a killer birthday party, and fun things to do with our hair. I think the internet should get to be in on that gold, too.
We’re figuring out how to live in a world where it’s hard to fight to be a woman of God and single and love community and pursue Jesus and pay the bills and honor our parents as we’re adults and budget and all the adult things and we have a lot to say (in run-on sentences, apparently.) My sweet friends have nudged me repeatedly to be a sort of mouthpiece for us, and I’ve said, “oh, okay!” but not really meant it. You know, because I was scared.
I want to be obedient and I don’t want to be afraid. I want to be brave and honest and bold and carry the Gospel well because my people are with me and because God has done MUCH that means I don’t have to be scared. So here we go. I’m trusting that Jesus has put His name ON me. There must be nothing to fear.